The first in a series of snarky renditions of bad job postings.
We are a Fortune 500 company that is notorious for treating people like shit, and we’re looking for a Marketing Associate. Don’t trust the hype on Glassdoor. We’ve been making people miserable longer than they have been operating. That gives you the bonus of knowing this terrible job will never disappear thanks to the $6 billion we’ve made off being evil henchmen.
Hate yourself enough to keep reading? Good.
We want go-getters and self-starters with spirits to crush. That light in your eye? Say farewell, because if you’re going to succeed in this role, your soul is now for sale at the Dollar Tree. We will grow, or you will go.
- We’re looking for someone who can type, breathe, talk a little but only to say things you’re reading off a screen.
- Forget any of that fluffy shit you learned in college. You’re here to do what we tell you to do.
- Respond to emails. 24 hours or we’ll clock PTO for you. At a minimum, we’ll imply you’re lazy.
- Champion the culture. If we catch you talking badly about your manager in the bathroom, you’ll learn what a performance plan looks like.
Minimum Requirements and Skills:
- A college degree from a school at least one of us went to – think U of East Coast State colleges.
- Strong verbal and communication skills
About Our Team:
Think Office Space meets Bad Bosses, except you’re not allowed to hire a hitman. Honestly, we’ve considered it but jail time isn’t worth it.
At Company, we have been ruining careers and the financial lives of our customers since 1902. Don’t know that this is what the guy who started the company had in mind but hell, we made it this far. Burn, baby. Burn.
We have grown to be the world’s leading loan business with nearly 2700 employees globally who each say they hate their lives a little more than the next. We have maintained an employee-first mentality with an informal and family-oriented atmosphere.
You will enjoy all of the meaningless interactions that come with joining a large, worldwide company, including 12-15 emails a day from marketing asking you to tweet a link and HR about benefits. The “you can only contact us by email” policy makes it very easy to wonder what went so wrong in your life. In addition to mediocre pay and terrible benefits, a career with us also means knowing that you’re going nowhere.
Ping Pong Tables
A Chief Happiness Officer
Avoid writing posts like this in our on-demand job post writing class.
Kat Kibben [they/them] is a keynote speaker, writing expert, and LGBTQIA+ advocate who teaches hiring teams how to write inclusive job postings that will get the right person to apply faster.
Before founding Three Ears Media, Katrina was a CMO, Technical Copywriter, and Managing Editor for leading companies like Monster, Care.com, and Randstad Worldwide. With 15+ years of recruitment marketing and training experience, Katrina knows how to turn talented recruiting teams into talented writers who write for people, not about work.
Today, Katrina is frequently featured as an HR and recruiting expert in publications like The New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and Forbes. They’ve been named to numerous lists, including LinkedIn’s Top Voices in Job Search & Careers. When not speaking, writing, or training, you’ll find Katrina traveling the country in their van or spending some much needed downtime with the dogs that inspired the name Three Ears Media.