I’ll disclaimer this by saying I’m just a gay person, not a gay expert or expert on coming out in the workplace. This is how I would like people to respond, take it or leave it.
The proper, considerate and professional response when a coworker comes out at work and tells you they are either by outing themselves (i.e. “I have a wife”), using a pronoun after playing the pronoun game (finally saying he or she, instead of they) or any other way that clearly tells you that they have a same sex partner, is with the exact question you would ask if they brought up that they had a partner of the opposite sex:
Oh, and what do they do?
Stop and think about that. Think about the last time you were at a barbeque and you met a new neighbor or friend. Think about the conversations and introductions. That’s how straight people introduce themselves and it turns out it’s completely normal to do that with gay people too.
What Are They Thinking?: Coming Out In The Workplace Isn’t Easy
The question is not “wait, you’re gay?”
Now, to turn the tables, I get why you asked the question. It’s great awareness and it’s appreciated. You realize the other half of this equation might have some hesitation. Here’s what a gay person (that’d be me) is typically thinking when outing themselves to you:
- I’m 100% aware that I’m outing myself to you.
- This is a moment that I’ve probably anticipated and I’m about to share something with you that I maybe received a negative reaction to before.
- I’m sharing this with you because I trust you – whether inherently because I feel safe in that space or it’s something we’ve built over time.
- I get it if you’re not instantly sure of what to say for some reason or another.
And #4 is why I’m blogging about it and would suggest the “what do they do” question – because it’s normal.
HRC has more practical guides to coming out at work if you’re interested in the logistics and legal protections you might need, but broadly my advice for straight people is this: act cool.
Kat Kibben [they/them] is a keynote speaker, writing expert, and LGBTQIA+ advocate who teaches hiring teams how to write inclusive job postings that will get the right person to apply faster.
Before founding Three Ears Media, Katrina was a CMO, Technical Copywriter, and Managing Editor for leading companies like Monster, Care.com, and Randstad Worldwide. With 15+ years of recruitment marketing and training experience, Katrina knows how to turn talented recruiting teams into talented writers who write for people, not about work.
Today, Katrina is frequently featured as an HR and recruiting expert in publications like The New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and Forbes. They’ve been named to numerous lists, including LinkedIn’s Top Voices in Job Search & Careers. When not speaking, writing, or training, you’ll find Katrina traveling the country in their van or spending some much needed downtime with the dogs that inspired the name Three Ears Media.